First Post!

At this time, I have been officially raw for two weeks. Awesome! I didn't post that video I made, even though I should, but I am just way, way too shy to let myself be seen like, bending over and stuff to people on the internet. Ya know? I have a lot of previous experience with that, mostly bad, as I came to raw from the (extremely fat-hating) vegan community known as the Vegan Freaks Forum. (And I rarely go on there anymore; I don't feel like it mostly, because the place is bad for my mental health. Contact me here!)

That's something that I really like about the raw community. While they assume that you'll lose weight if you're doing raw "right", they won't come into every motherfucking size-acceptance thread and go, "I lost weight! You can too! Cut calories McDougall blah blah blah." In terms of hating fat people, most of them are just like the omnivorous population: "FAT SLOB, EXERCISE MORE! YOU CAN'T BE EATING THAT LITTLE. IF I COULD DO IT, YOU COULD TOO. IF YOU'RE NOT LOSING WEIGHT WHILE YOU'RE STARVING, WELL YOU MUST JUST BE DOING IT WRONG."

And that last little part - implicit if not explicitly stated in these posts - is that you're stupid for not "doing it right." Thing is, it's not just calories in/calories out. I tried that. I fucking tried that, okay? I tried that 'til I got a fucking eating disorder (and I have never had anything but medicinally-induced BED, which partially but not wholly caused my fatness, and I did not lose the weight after getting off the medication and beginning to eat normally). Let me tell you something: calories in/calories out does not work. It doesn't. If it worked, there would be no fat people.

"Oh," I hear you say. "But that's because most people intend to do it for the short term!" Um, no, they don't. They intend for it to be a lifestyle, and then blame themselves when they can't take STARVING for the fucking REST OF THEIR LIVES. No. That's just fucked up. If you support "lifestyles instead of diets", you are promoting eating disorders. Fuck you. You're the reason why even thought of restricting my calorie intake to under 200 a day. So fuck you. I'm not going back to that place even if I gain a hundred zillion pounds. No praise feels as good as healthy tastes.

Okay, so let's save the rest of that rant for later and get with the introductions. I'm vegan. I'm raw. I'm vehemently feminist (i.e. pro-reproductive rights and anti-pornography). At the time of this post, I'm 19 years old. I'm interested in whatever ways my body is going to change during being raw.

Why am I raw?

I'm raw because I want to heal from my eating disorder. It may seem kind of backwards to restrict your food intake (well, the types of food, anyways) in order to heal, but hello? There's a fucking reason why so many women with anorexia relapse after treatment, and it's called "too much, too fast". I've seen this with my own eyes. I've seen girls freak out because they can't take eating so much so fast. The medical industry is failing anorectics, big time, by forcing them to do far too much in far too short a time. (And yes, I understand that a lot of it is because the insurance providers of the women won't pay for a long stay. That's fucked up, and one reason why we in the U.S. need universal health care.)

To clarify: by the severely fucked-up standards of the medical industry, I was not anorexic. I just had all of their behaviours and mental fucked-upness.

I'm raw because I'm interested in how my body is going to change. I've already noticed some changes: my skin has gotten clearer, my eyes are losing their dark blue ring around the outside of the irises, and I feel really good. That's what matters: that I feel good. I've already noticed some ways that I relate differently to food, too: I no longer feel guilty for eating enough to sustain my body. I guess that's what happens when you start getting enough nutrition for your brain.

Now, some promises:

I will not talk about calories on this blog, unless it's specifically for a class I'm taking (Foodology) or talking about my eating disorder.

I will not post numbers (again, other than above).

I will not put down myself or my readers (unless a troll) and I refuse to allow anyone else to put down themselves or my readers, either.

And I will do anything I can to make myself feel the absolute best I can.

Sound good? Good. As for all of you who think I should apologise immediately for being fat, fuuuuck youuuu.